HOW TO BE A COUNSELOR | HOW TO BE A CLIENT | THE CHECK-IN/SESSION | A FEW Q & A'S
This is a 5-part basic intro to re-evaluation counseling.
Please feel free
to share it with others, as long as it is copied in its entirety
and has my
name & e-mail address on it. Also, feel free to write me with
any questions
or feedback.
There is an RC website at www.rc.org
Questions and requests for RC contacts local to you may be
directed to
IRC@rc.org
(BTW- I'm not connected with the people who run these... so don't
expect
them to know who I am <grin>. This intro was written by me
and does not
claim any sort of "official", organizational or
professional approval. It
reflects my personal viewpoints, experiences and realities.
Others' Mileage
May Vary. Any errors are mine alone.)
Re-evaluation counseling is a method of personal healing and
evolution. It
is self-empowering. Anyone can easily learn to use the techniques,
and
tailor them to one's individual needs.
-----------
I'm going to start with some basic terms of co-counseling/peer
counseling/re-evaluation counseling (henceforth, simply "RC"
for the sake of
brevity).
-"PATTERN"
A repetitive, rigid behavior or reaction. We form patterns
based on past
experiences and reinforce them over time. We repeat the patterned
behavior
or reaction in response to any situation or stimuli which "triggers"
the
acting out of the pattern. Our patterned response may have very
little to do
with the situation at hand, and is usually not a constructive or
positive
way of responding to that situation.
A patterned behavior or reaction clouds our clear thinking. It
prevents us
from fully seeing each unique situation, evaluating it, and
intelligently
choosing our course of action.
Some patterns can be obvious, but they are often *very*
insidious as well as
deeply ingrained; and take quite a bit of work just to identify.
-"CONTRADICTION"
Anything that disturbs the flow of a pattern.
Anything that exposes the pattern as a pattern (instead of reality).
Any change (accidental, or conscious and deliberate) which
upsets a pattern
and forces a new view, behavior or feeling.
Also: a statement/mantra used to help reverse a pattern or
combat a negative
thought.
-"DISTRESS"
Any unpleasant emotion or sensation.
Distresses include (but are not limited to) fear, anger,
stress, depression,
embarrassment, loneliness, physical pain, loss, criticism,
isolation,
abandonment, violence/abuse/rape, anxiety, disappointment, shame,
uncertainty, rejection, frustration, feelings of powerlessness,
etc etc
etc....
A distress may be related to something that is happening in
the present
moment, but they are often related to past experiences.
A pattern often consists of, or includes, a "preprogrammed"
distress
reaction.
Distress is "stockpiled" unless and until it is sufficiently discharged.
-"RESTIMULATION"
The triggering of a distress reaction and pattern, activated by a
situation
or stimulus which causes one to connect what is happening right
now to a
negative experience in the past.
A restimulation causes one to involuntarily reexperience the
distress of the
original negative incident.
A restimulation may be a big thing or a small thing. For
instance, you may
experience restimulation at being fired, if you relate it to a
previous
traumatic experience of being fired. Or you may be restimulated
whenever you
hear Abba, because that was what was playing on the Muzak when
the boss gave
you the news. Again, this is something that can be very insidious...
you may
not consciously realize (or want to face) why you get queasy when
you hear
Abba, you just know that you do. It may take some work to get to
the root of
a restimulation. They also like to disguise themselves as
something else-
maybe you always thought you simply disliked Abba's style...
It can be very difficult to distinguish restimulation from
present-time
hurt.
-"DISCHARGE"
Any method of releasing distress, esp. "stockpiled"
distress.
Methods of discharge include (but are not limited to) crying,
yelling or
screaming, trembling, sweating, laughing, yawning, beating up on
a pillow or
other inanimate object, re-enactments, etc etc etc....
Discharge occurrs spontaneously when conditions are right. One
can
consciously choose to create an opportunity to do discharge. One
may also
consciously choose to set aside a distress for later discharge if
the
present conditions aren't appropriate to do so.
**Discharge is HEALING.**
It is a process of dissolving patterns.
It is a method of processing and dealing with distress and restimulation.
-"RE-EVALUATION"
Spontaneous change of perspective on beliefs, behaviors, needs,
etc. Usually
related to and follows discharge.
Processing old information/experiences/feelings that were
blocked in some
way.
-"SESSION"
An experience in which two or more people (or a group)
consciously set up a
situation in which to do discharge work.
It may be a one-way session (with one person as the
"client" and the other
as the "counselor") or each person may take a turn
clienting.
The participants establish certain boundaries in order to
create a Safe
Space in which to discharge.
More on this when we go deeper into the concept of the session.
-"CLIENT"
The person discharging. The client is always in control of the
session,
deciding what s/he wants to work on and how s/he wants to work on
it.
-"COUNSELOR"
The person assisting the client to discharge. It is the counselor's
job to
provide safety, as well as to give full attention to the client;
to support
and assist hir in whatever way possible to facilitate discharge.
More on the roles of client and counselor later.
-VALIDATION:
A listener/counselor's role to pay attention, listen, encourage,
support,
and accept.
Also: facing and fully accepting one's own feelings, thoughts, needs, etc.
-INVALIDATION:
To suppress, interrupt or divert a person's release/discharge. To
not
respect the person's feelings, thoughts, or reality. We often
invalidate
people without realizing we do so.
-"OWN YOUR OWN STUFF":
Take responsibilty for your own patterns and restimulations. Do
not blame
them- or your actions resulting from them- on others. Actively
work to
understand them, and then to discharge them.
-----
End Part 1!
back to index
My next two topics will be "how to be a counselor"
and "how to be a client".
I will focus on the roles themselves and their respective
responsibilites,
and try to avoid digressing into much session structure and
specific methods
of discharge work. That will come in the later topic of "sessions".
HOW TO BE A COUNSELOR
--
A better word for an RC counselor would be "facilitator",
IMHO. "Ally" is a
good word too.
The role of the counselor is to assist the client in discharge
and
processing.
Don't approach counseling with the attitude of trying to
"fix" the client,
or to "figure out what's wrong with" the client.
The counselor must create safe space for the client.
It is the counselor's job to make sure the physical
surroundings are
agreeable to both counselor and client, and that it feels safe to
both.
It is the counselor's job to establish the session guidelines-
most of which
are the client's call and tailored to hir needs.
The counselor must clearly indicate when the session begins
and when it has
ended. If you don't put a definitive close on the session, you
both can get
that spacey and drained feeling that you get when you don't close
your
Circle.
You need to help the client make the shift of consciousness
after a session.
Talk about something totally different and not emotionally
charged. Play a
card game. Have a snack. This is called "an up-and-out."
It will help you to
avoid or lessen "session hangover".
The counselor must be fully present. By this I mean that the
counselor
focuses hir full attention on the client. S/he must commit to
holding
hirself in "counseling mode". I find the "counseling
mode" to be a distinct
and deliberate change of consciousness.
Simply having a person pay this kind of attention to them is a
contradiction
for most clients.
Being encouraged to discharge, when self and society train one
to inhibit
discharge, is a major contradiction.
These contradictions help to jar the client out of patterns.
We are working
against the pattern of supression of
emotion/discharge/socially-unacceptable-behavior.
We are also working against the client's unconstructive
patterns of dealing
with distress.
The client is in complete charge of what s/he wants to work on
and how s/he
wants to work on it. The counselor is there to assist, not to
administer the
session.
A counselor gives attention to hir client without reacting to the material.
The counselor does not judge, criticize, or evaluate either
the client or
hir material. S/he does not express emotional reactions to the
client or hir
material. S/he is to remain encouraging, approving and accepting
at all
times, and hir only emotion is to express quiet delight at taking
in the
client and material; approval and delight at the client's
discharge.
Get in a comfortable, open position facing the client, look
straight at the
client, and do nothing else. Do not fidget, check your watch, or
allow your
eyes or thoughts to wander. Full attention on the client.
Watch the client's posture, facial expressions, breathing, etc.
as well as
words and actions, from which to take your cues.
Pay attention to the energy.
Nod, murmur "I hear that", etc when you feel
it is appropriate, to validate
the client and assure hir that your full attention is on hir.
Ask open-ended questions. Encourage the client to examine,
explore, process,
interpret, evaluate, and reinterpret the material. Don't do it
for hir.
Make sure your questions do not sound like judgements or
accusations. "Why
did you react that way?" is not good; "How did you feel
when that happened?"
is better.
The counselor must hold the thought that the client is fully
capable of working through hir own stuff, finding hir own
solutions, healing
hirself. S/he can and will handle it. You are not here to do it
for hir. You
are here to assist hir in doing it for hirself.
Much of the time, there is some intense stuff coming up in
session, and it
can be difficult for the counselor to stay "present"
and in counseling mode.
S/he must overcome hir instinct to inhibit the client's discharge.
S/he must
not allow hirself to get distracted by any restimulations of hir
own.
At an extreme level, for instance, let's say you were a
rape victim. It may
be difficult- or impossible- for you to counsel a client on the
subject of
hir own rape. If you cannot stay in counselor mode through a
situation like
that, you will need to refer your client to someone who can. You
may still
help this client with other issues- or perhaps on a different day
you may be
able to deal with this one. Be open and honest with yourself and
your client
on what issues you do not feel you can "stay clear" on.
The counselor must refrain from talking about hir own
experiences, offering
solutions, or commiserating with the client.
The counselor must also overcome hir instinct to "fix"
the situation, to
"help" or "rescue" the client. This continues
to be a hard one for me. When
a certain friend clients to me about her angst regarding his
college plans,
I want to give advice. I want to offer to do this or that for him.
I want to
offer him what wisdom I've acquired by going through the same
situation. I
want to tell him what I feel is wrong with her current attitude
or plans. I
want to talk about my own similar experiences. I actually have to
surreptitously bite my tongue in order to keep quiet and remain
in
counseling mode. When a friend weeps in session, I want to
comfort her. I
don't want to dig at the sore place, which is precisely what I
must do as
counselor.
A client may, on occasion, close out hir counselor during a
session and sit
struggling silently and ineffectually with hirself, or s/he may
"space out".
This is called "sinking into the distress". The
counselor should refocus the
client- a gentle, nonaccusatory "Whatcha thinking?" or
"What are you feeling
right now?" will get things back on track.
It is the counselor's job to come up with contradictions to
the distress.
This must be done *after* the heavy discharge has wound down, and
in a
conscious manner. If you offer contradiction at the wrong time or
in an
innapropriate manner, you appear to invalidate the client's
feelings. (more
about this later in the "sessions" section)
Don't have an agenda as a counselor; other than helping the
client process
and discharge. Don't get locked into doing things a certain way
or expecting
things to progress in an orderly or predictable manner. Let the
client lead.
Also, a client will very often come to a session saying that s/he
wants to
work on X, and before long you find yourselves deeply into a
totally
different issue. Be flexible.
Try different methods with your client, find out what works
for that
specific person in that specific situation.
One way to define the counselor role is "find the most
painful spot, and
then dig at it."
end part 2!
back to index
The client comes to a session to explore hir emotional space.
Act like a client during session and *only* during session. You
can do a
little mini-session over the phone or at any time; however make
sure you
first ask your fellow RC'er if s/he is willing and has attention
to give you
a mini-session. Don't just open up and dump on your fellow RC'er
with no
warning.
Let your counselor know what kind of physical environment and
what kind of
session guidelines/boundaries you need in order to feel safe. Be
open and
honest about your needs.
Trust your counselor. Talking about deep, painful issues and
discharging,
all uncensored, can feel vulnerable and scary. If you do not feel
right with
your counselor, find a different person. Some RC teams "fit"
better than
others.
If you notice that your counselor can't seem to handle working
with you on a
given issue (for instance, the rape example I used earlier),
choose another
subject for the session. Discuss it with the counselor afterward;
you may
need to counsel with someone else about that issue. Or perhaps
the counselor
will be able to "be clear" on that issue on another day.
If your counselor is doing or saying anything that you don't
like, say so.
It is your session and you as the client are in charge. Likewise,
if what
the counselor is doing doesn't seem to be working for you, tell
hir so that
s/he can try a new method.
However, be aware that the counselor's job is to assist you to
discharge,
and that will feel painful. S/he will find the most painful spot
and then
dig at it. Try to not fight your counselor in this respect.
It's best to be open and flexible about what you're going to
work on. As I
said before, you often start out working on one issue but in time
find
yourself deep into something completely different. Your inner
self knows
what you need to work on better than your conscious brain does.
However, if
there are any issues that you definitely *don't* want to deal
with in the
session, tell your counselor so that s/he won't inadvertantly try
to take
you there.
Also, as I said in the "counseling" section, don't
go into session with an
agenda. Don't expect things to go in a certain way. Go with the
flow.
If you don't seem to be achieving the level of discharge you feel
you should
be, That's okay. Just talking is discharge, too. Don't try to
force yourself
to cry or scream or whatever. The time or the topic or the method
simply may
not be working for you today. Don't pressure yourself.
It is for you to interpret, evaluate and process your material.
Don't ask or
expect the counselor to do it for you. Don't look to the
counselor for
answers. Look to yourself.
Don't censor youself, don't try to hold in distress... do or
say whatever
you want/need to in order to discharge. The client must work to
overcome the
control patterns which inhibit discharge.
Re-evaluate the material after discharge.
After the session, exchange feedback with your counselor on
what worked well
and what didn't. (Be sensitive- don't heap a pile of criticism on
your
counselor. Tell hir what s/he did *right*, too.)
Appreciate your counselor. Thank hir for hir time and effort.
Make sure that
the RC relationship is not one-sided, and that each party has
adequate
opportunity to be the counselor and to be the client.
End part 3!
back to index
A check-in is sorta like a session without discharge. Each
person takes a
few minutes to talk about what's happening with them and how they're
feeling, while the other(s) give(s) good attention. I find that
this can
dissipate quite a bit of stress and potential acting-out, all by
itself.
This is a good thing to do daily; especially after work, or
before you get
ready to tackle a stressful situation.
This is also a good thing to do in groups- before and/or after
Circle,
before and/or after meetings, with your family (kids of all ages
included).
A session is a time and space created by two or more RC'ers
for the purpose
of processing and discharge.
A session may be one-way, or the participants may agree to
"trade time" and
each take a turn at being the client.
A group session is where one person is clienting and the rest
are acting as
counselors (or, one person takes the specific duties of counselor
while the
rest simply give good attention to the client). A group usually
takes turns;
everyone gets a chance to client.
When people make use of sessions to discharge their emotions,
it helps to
relieve stress, depression, resentment, bitterness, and other
symptoms of
"stockpiled" distress.
___
We can work on seeking out our negative patterns, examining and
processing
them, and *eliminating* them.
We can work on seeking out restimulations, examining and
processing them,
and causing them to *lose* their hold on us.
We can process and *heal* old hurts, all the way back to childhood hurts.
We are much less likely to act out our distress in negative
and fruitless
ways.
We can go back to our daily lives with more clear sight and
more control
over our reality. We can feel, and let ourselves fully experience
and honor
what we feel. We can act from a place of logic, intelligence,
flexibility,
creativity and thoughtfulness, instead of acting out patterns and
being
victim to restimulations.
We learn to separate reality from restimulation. We learn to
respond to the
*present situation*, instead of using the present situation to
respond to
past experiences.
We learn to look at others in a different way. We learn to
separate *people*
from their *patterns*.
We free up a lot of attention and energy for better uses.
___
The most important element of a session is that it be SAFE SPACE.
All session material is **strictly confidential.** This is of
the utmost
importance. Counselors must never share any session material with
anyone,
not even with the client once the session is over. This helps to
ensure the
client's safe space. Session stuff needs to stay in session. The
very rare
exception: If you strongly want or need to mention something to a
person
which came up in hir session, you must first ask the person,
"May I refer to
your session?" Respect it if the answer is no.
Participants should agree on the particulars of the session.
-time:
You may want to set a time limit, especially if you have agreed
that both
people will get a turn to client, or if someone has a commitment
later. Set
a timer, do not be looking at your watches. Allow time for a
transition
between switching roles, and for at least a little up-and-out for
a client
after each session.
A session can be ten minutes long or eight hours long.
Personally, if I'm getting good discharge (out of myself or
out of a client)
I hate to stop. I also have a hard time trying to session under a
time
limit. (It restimulates me <grin>.) I'm slow to get going,
and the hardest
part- for me- is getting going. That's just me. It's a good
example of
tailoring the session to the needs of the client: If I'm going to
be
clienting, I'd prefer to schedule a time when my counselor is
prepared to
spend as much time as I want to.
-physical surroundings:
*The place should be private, away from others' sight and hearing.
Preferably remote or insulated enough that the client can yell or
scream
without having to worry about the neighbors.
*It should be free of distractions. Unplug the phone, turn off
the TV and
radio, make sure you will not be disturbed. (Going to the
bathroom before
you begin is a good idea, too. It's so hard to give good
attention to your
client when your back teeth are starting to float)
*All participants should be comfortable in the environment.
The client, in
particular, needs to feel SAFE.
I want to work in a relatively large, open room... partly
because I'm
claustrophobic, but also because there is so much intense energy
being
generated, and I feel like I want space for that to dissipate.
YMMV.
*You can sit in chairs, on the floor, the client can lie down,
whatever is
comfortable. You may want to have pillows or cushions. Wear
comfortable
clothing.
*Have LOTS OF KLEENEX on hand. This is essential. (I can go
through half a
box of kleenex in a session.)
_____
Get comfortable facing each other.
Clearly indicate that the session has begun.
It is helpful if the person clienting has an idea of what s/he
wants to work
on. If s/he isn't sure what s/he wants to work on, or seems to be
having a
hard time getting started, the counselor might say, "Take
your time, I'm
here for you." Have the client relax and close hir eyes.
The counselor may ask the client to talk about a minor
incident that has
happened recently. Minor upsets and irritations are often
restimulations
tied to larger issues.
The session begins with the client talking about feelings and experiences.
The client can ramble freely; jump to different topics, let it
be
disjointed... The counselor should observe the client and take
cues from
hir. Find the distress and "follow" it.
The counselor should ask questions to draw the client deeper
into the
distressful material. "What is your earliest memory of this
feeling?" "Has
anything similar to this ever happened before?" "Tell
me more about ___."
"How did you feel when ___ happened?"
If the client begins to get upset, you're on the right track!
As I said before, a good guideline is, "Find the most
painful spot and then
dig at it."
If the client begins to discharge (shaking, crying, yelling,
laughing,
etc... I gave a list of possible discharge methods in an earlier
post), stay
on that path and milk it for all you can.
When the counselor senses the discharge winding down, s/he may
choose to
offer a contradiction. This must be done at the right time and in
the right
manner, to avoid invalidating the client. (see session example
below for
more on this)
Clearly indicate when the session is over.
(Sometimes I want to ground after a session. I also like to
open the windows
and get some air circulation. There is some intense energy
involved here,
and you can wind up with a big cloud of Yuck in the room.)
The participants may or may not choose to discuss what methods
seemed to
work well and what didn't.
Do an up-and-out to help both participants make the shift in
consciousness
from "session mode" to ordinary reality.
You can session on the phone. You can also session by private
e-mail. I
label an e-mail with a lot of asterisks at the top and
capitalized warnings:
***THIS IS A SESSION**. I tell myself when I begin the e-mail
that the
session is now begun, let myself vent, and then end the e-mail/session
clearly, then do an up-and-out. When my RC friend gets my e-mail
and sees
that it is a session, s/he can either get in "session mode"
and read it, or
save it for later if s/he's not prepared to be a counselor at the
moment.
Of course, phone sessions aren't as good as f-t-f, and e-mail
sessions are
distinctly inferior because they are one-sided. But they are
options if you
want to use them.
________
*********************
_____
Here is a little sample of a session, told from the perspective
of me as
counselor:
_____
My fellow RC'er and I decide that she will be the client today.
First I will ask my client if she's comfortable, if she'd like
to sit on the
floor or the couch, if she wants the window open or closed. We'll
establish
a time limit if we choose to do so.
I'll ask her if she's ready to start.
I will clearly state that the session is begun now.
I might ask "What's on top?" which is RC lingo for
"What's got your
attention right now?" or "What do you want to work on
today?" The client
wants to session on distress around feeling ugly.
I will start the session by encouraging the client to
explore past memories
and feelings around this issue, letting her take the lead, but
asking
questions if she seems to need encouragement or a little guidance.
When she mentions being teased by a certain bully in
junior high, I notice
that she crosses her arms in front of her. Her facial expression
may also
tell me that this is a sore spot. So I will "follow"
that, by encouraging
her to tell me about specific incidents with this particular
bully, ask her
to tell me exactly what he said, ask her how it made her feel
when he said
____. My client seems to be getting more and more agitated, so I
keep it up.
I nod, occasionally repeat her words... "You felt ____,"
In this way I
validate her feelings. I am also reassuring her that my full
attention is on
her.
If we uncover what seem to be patterns or restimulations
associated with
this issue, I make sure the client recognizes them (I give her
plenty of
time to pick them out herself before *I* butt in, and then I *suggest*,
not
tell her; her mileage may vary).
When she gets to a memory of this bully yelling a reference to
"fat cow" on
the school bus, the client begins to weep. This is good discharge
on her
distress around feeling ugly. I let her cry, staying "fully
present" with
her and softly murmuring "yesssss.....that's good....get it
out, get all
that stuff out....mm-hmm..." I am giving her deliberate
encouragement to
continue the discharge.
When she starts to wind down, I might say, gently but
deliberately, "He
called you a FAT COW, right there on the bus, in front of
everyone," which
will almost certainly result in a fresh spate of weeping/discharge.
That is
what I mean when I talk about finding the painful spot and
digging at it.
When the discharge on that particular incident seems to be dried
up for the
present time, I may decide to continue questioning the client and
try to
find another painful spot regarding the issue of feeling ugly. If
time is
getting late or I sense that the session is winding down and my
client has
had enough, I might say, "Can I offer a contradiction?"
If she says yes, I
will look straight at her and say firmly and deliberately, "You
are a
beautiful woman."
If I do this earlier, or without readying my client to receive
a
contradiction, it might seem as if I am telling her that she has
no right to
feel ugly, that she is wrong to be distressed over the bully's
taunts, that
I am invalidating her reality.
When I give the client the contradiction as above, it may well
result is yet
another spate of discharge. Good. I'll repeat the sentence,
make her look
me in the eye while I say it, have her repeat it after me. More
encouragement, more murmuring "You're doing so well... this
is so good...let
it out..."
The client may decide to look in the mirror every morning and
say this
contradiction in order to trip up her pattern of putting herself
down.
When I feel it's time to end, I will ask the client if she's
ready to end
the session. If so, I will clearly delineate that the session is
now ended.
The client may or may not want to discuss the methods we used
in the
session: "It made me feel a little inhibited when you ______"
or "I just
couldn't hold back when you had me look you in the eye like that,
we'll have
to remember that trick." or "I might try bringing my
teddy bear next time."
I will have the client get up and stretch, move around a
little. I'll make
small talk about a movie I've seen recently, and make sure I draw
her into
the converstation. This is an up-and-out, and will help the
client make the
shift of consciousness from session mode to ordinary reality.
-------
This example is a very simple one, but it should give you a basic
idea of
what goes on in a session.
A note about "session hangover":
To the client- even if you properly delineate the beginning
and end of your
session, deliberately shift consciousness out of session mode,
and do an
up-and-out, you may still experience "session hangover".
This may include
feelings of depression, fatigue, listlessness, lack of appetite,
"spaciness", or others.
The severity of these symptoms usually increases in
direct proportion to
the amount of good discharge you accomplished.
After I do a good session, I feel like weight has lifted from
my gut. But I
also often have a little bit of session hangover, in the form of
listless
and a sorta "hollowed out" sensation... it takes a
couple of hours after the
session for it to creep up on me. The next morning I feel great.
One friend
of mine can be "hung over" for as long as three days
following an intense
session. Other people never experience any sort of session
hangover at all.
This is a subjective thing; I just want you to know what it is if
it happens
to you. (smile)
End part 4!
(Q)
Sometimes I see people *increasing* their stress by using what
looks like
some of these discharge methods.
(A)
We have been socially conditioned to react in this way to seeing
someone
discharge.
We have to separate discharge from distress. We think
discharge *is*
distress.
The distress is the *emotion* you experience during a trauma.
You are gonna
feel that emotion. It's a fact. How you react to it- whether you
try to
clamp it down, or cry on the spot, or whatever- is irrelevant to
the initial
impact of the distress on you.
Discharge is not distress. Discharge is a positive process of
*healing*
distress.
For instance, we see tears and automatically react with,
"This person is in
pain. I have to do something to help."
If you see a friend crying, you usually want to comfort
her and stop her
from crying. "Don't cry... it's not that bad...<fill in
your platitude>..."
This is actually interfering with her discharge. If your
coworker gets in a
fizz, you immediately want to help by trying to "fix"
her problem; but maybe
it would be really beneficial to her to go ahead and fizz a bit.
Tears are not pain. Pain is pain. Yelling is not anger. Anger is anger.
Tears and yelling are discharge of pain and anger.
If a baby is denied something he wants and is feeling
distressed by that, he
will cry or rage and naturally discharge the distress. A‘ |'r
children get
older, we train them to inhibit their discharge. If *you* are
denied
something you want and experiencing distress by it, what do you
do? If you
try to ignore it, deny it, "put on a brave face" or any
of the other
"socially accepted" responses, you are "stuffing",
or stockpiling that
distress inside you. The answer (if you can't have a cry on the
spot) is to
make a conscious choice to shelve it- only until you have an
opportunity to
discharge it under safe and appropriate conditions to do so. (and
the
sooner, the better!)
It was really hard for me at first to watch a friend weep in
session, and
*encourage* it- actually poke her most painful memory and try to
make her
cry harder- rather than try to comfort her, fix the problem, or
otherwise
make it stop. I had to turn myself around to seeing the tears as
a positive
thing, as a process of healing. (This is a re-evaluation) ;-)
It was (and still is) equally difficult for me to allow myself to discharge.
We spend so much time and energy conditioning ourselves to
supress
discharge.
I sometimes visualize the particular distress my friend (or I)
is
discharging on as a dark, ugly mass inside of her- and every time
she
discharged on it, that mass got a little bit smaller. A piece of
it was
healed, gone forever.
(Q)
A re-enactment can appear to increase negative reactions
beyond what
seemed to be present before.
(A)
Yes, "appear to"... again, we aren't seeing the crying/tantrum/whatever
as a
desirable, healing thing.
To discharge, we _consciously choose_ to "relive"
the original trauma, with
the specific goal of processing it and healing it. (This is in
contrast to a
restimuation, which is *involuntarily* reliving a trauma) If I go
to an RC
friend after I have a stressful day at work which includes being
hollered at
by my boss, I can (in session) start by talking about my day...
about the
feelings I had. Free-form and uncensored; I can say or do
whatever I want. I
can bitch and rage about my insensitive, bleepety-bleep boss. I
can
reinact/relive the scene where she yelled at me, and cry or throw
a tantrum
to discharge the distress I experienced from the incident...
react the way I
*wanted* to react while I was being yelled at, but was not able
to do so at
that time. I can create a contradiction by reinacting the scene
and giving
it a new ending. Whatever will get rid of that particular dark
ugly mass and
make me feel better.
(Q)
On a related note, inappropriate discharging can upset others so
much that
the problem endures long after its cause is gone. How do
you know when the
conditions are right? How do you prepare yourself for
someone's
discharge?
(A)
Life would be simpler if we all, like babies, could discharge
hurts
immediately and be done with it. Of course, that isn't always
appropriate,
if you want to get along in society.
When you have a fellow RC'er to avail yourself of, you can go
get a session.
If you have friends or family who have an acquaintance with these
principles
(educate your loved ones!) you can come home and say, "I
need some time."
and then spout off.
If I'm talking with my friend and something he says pisses me
off, I can
stop right there and say, "I'm feeling some distress over
this. Can I
discharge a little?"
The key is to have a clearly delineated boundary. Ask your
potential
"counselor" if s/he has time and attention available to
give you a session
or a little "mini-session". Establish, "This is a
session." Then you can
discharge whatever it is that needs discharging, in a safe space
and with
the support of your counselor.
People who are discharging all over the place without knowing
or caring what
they are doing are probably doing a healthier thing for
themselves than
people who "stuff" their distress. But it can be hard
on the folks around
them! If I'm stressed at work, it is not really appropriate for
me to stop
and have a screaming fit on the spot. I have to shelve it and
wait till I
get in the car. If my boss has a screaming fit, I can sometimes
say to
myself, "She's discharging the stress of this report
deadline; this really
has very little to do with me even though she's directed it at me,"
which
helps to keep a little perspective.
last revised Oct 99
Taryn
taryn@spiritdancers.org